2013-02-22 - 1:24 a.m.

Today I went to get the angry duck. It would have been more fun to get it before he left, but it was good to get him anyway. Time to get his posse going here at the house.
I am trying to continue my facebook hiatus, but it's hard to hold out. I keep thinking that if I check it, there will be some magical solution to how much I miss people. The people I miss will send me messages or put a post out there that doesn't make me want to slap them across the face and/or beat my head against a wall. But they never do. So maybe it's better this way. I can hold out and maybe go back a month or so from now. I'm not stupid enough to think I can get away with it for long. Once you're on it, people use it as a form of communication and then conveniently forget your email address and phone number. Keep in mind that I still have a house phone. With an answering machine. That right there should prove my naivete. Why don't people ever stop moving? Why do they have to keep going and going, searching for another adventure? And why does it always seem to leave me behind?
Here's my real question actually. Which I can say because no one is reading this. Right now, and many times, I dream of just disappearing. Of being a body without a head or turning into Data from Star Trek. No emotions, no pain. No constant battle to dig yourself out of...whatever, and start your day. I'm not saying my life sucks. In many ways, it's wonderful. I have so much of everything, including love, and that is wonderful. There are just so many people out there, and I seem to know a lot of them, who are so good at living. But that's not me. In all likelihood, it will never be. So why am I not allowed to disappear? Instead of watching others leave me behind? Why is that so bad?
And no, this is not self-pity. This is not me hating my life. Just a question.

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