2013-04-06 - 12:57 a.m.
This is making me a little nervous, but here goes nothing.
I'm going to use this space as a journal, since I have never really had a paper and pen journal. This seems to work better and it has been suggested to me that being able to get things off my chest is good.
Today was a good day, all things considered. Physically, I felt a little better than yesterday, but I did take my whole zoloft pill. I'm trying not to take too much medicine, but I suppose I can't expect to stop cold turkey. So I'm trying to find a middle ground. I don't think I need everything that I did before. But there will be withdrawal symptoms I suppose if it's too quick of a letdown. And don't say "duh". That's not nice.
It was definitely an odd day though. While I could have done with some company, I wasn't exactly lonely. Until John and I went out to dinner. Then, even though I wasn't alone anymore, I was lonely. As usual, he was wrapped up in his day. He had a headache, he forgot to eat lunch, he didn't finish something in time. All things that could be remedied by simple time management. Even though we talked about things like this before and even though he acknowledged his behavior recently, it just happened again. He said I was being weird and too energetic, which is not a bad thing if you ask me. The past few days I've been quiet and sleepy. He likes it better that way. It's easier to figure me out, and even though I'm not as much fun, I'm safer. After sleeping about 18 hours yesterday, I had energy. Go figure. It's sad that my husband likes it better when I'm sad.
And he turned me down for sex last night. That didn't make me mad, but it was weird. I feel like having sex about three times a year, so when I proposition him, it's always a yes. But he was worried about work stuff. It was distracting him. Maybe it's a problem that I'm not mad. But like I said, my libido is basically nonexistent. So it's just weird.
I still love my husband. I guess. But I feel so disconnected from him. For the past couple months I've kept to myself and not tried to make the connection. You can only have your heart broken so many times, and when you live with someone it seems they can break your heart daily. As melodramatic as this sounds, years of that can really hurt. But tonight I tried to make the connection and he wouldn't meet me there. Which leads me to remember why I've stopped trying to connect lately. Anyone else hear a cracking sound?
We've had some good days lately, and I don't think it's over. But I wouldn't mind taking a break. To be myself for myself. I've learned a lot recently and I'd like to keep working on that.
So what do I do? I guess just keep doing things for myself and see what happens. Not to sound girly, but I kinda want a grand romantic gesture. Some beautiful jewelry, a fantastic trip. Hell, I'd settle for him calling the roofers. How unromantic. (Wait, he can't. I'm the only one that has their number.)
There are millions of songs and movies about love, finding love, being with your soulmate, etc, etc, etc. Where are the movies about what happens after? When you become different people and grow apart? When emotional growth or lack there of pushes people away? They're out there too, they're just not as much fun to watch.
I'm not sure if I believe in love anymore, at least the way I did. Love used to be the end all, be all goal of life. Find the love of your life and live happily ever after. I suppose I watched too many disney movies. But of course it's not that simple. And maybe having something too permanent is bad. This is coming out very silly, I suppose. And pessimistic. But I'm just thinking.
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